Jacob's Chatter
Monday, May 03, 2004
  I Bid Thee Farewell

I will have you know that I am leaving this Wednesday for a three-week trip to Prague to be with Raluca, who I have been corresponding with on IRC for two months.

I do not know if I will be able to update my web page from there or not, being I have no working notebooks at my disposal. Am I abandoning the chatter? Not likely. Real members of the cause stick it out, as I always say.

You will have to excuse my sudden departure. People sometimes must make quick decisions when it comes to the ways of amore'. Really strange it is that I must go now. Like it or not Jacob must follow his heart. To where it will land, I do not know. Argue amongst yourselves whist I am gone.

You must excuse me now. Killed enough time already tonight. Jacob must get ready for his trip.

I bid thee farwell.

Jacob over and out.

Saturday, May 01, 2004
  What Are You To Complain About Now, Sir?

For those who have not been watching events transpire here over the last few days, here is a quick run down.

On a whim, I created a quick ECMAScript function that redirects lies.mojobox.org (a known anti-Jacob site) to this page when "mojobox" attempted to embed my web page in a frame.

"Jedi" the webmaster of said web site countered with a mediocre (at best) PHP script that grabs my web page and filters out any malicious ECMAScript. When asked why he did not just parse the Atom feed, "Jedi" responded, "the XML doesnt have comments."

Being the humanitarian and open-source programming guru I am, I took it upon myself to spend an entire 15 minutes of my time this morning writing this functionality for "Jedi", comments and all. I am releasing this code under the GPL so "Jedi" is free to utilize and modify it as he sees fit, as long as he respects the GPL.

You will need the excellent MagpieRSS RSS Parser (version 0.6a) to use this code.

So, there. Jacob (me) has not only displayed his open source prowess in 25 lines of code that trumps "Jedi"'s best effort (no amateur loading and filtering), he has released open source code under the GPL (another anti-Jacob bone of contention the opposition harps on), not to mention he has once again "owned" "Jedi" by beating him at his own game.

Without further ado, the code:

   Copyright (C) 2004 Jacob Hansel
   JacobsAtom is free software; you can redistribute it and/or
   modify it under the terms of the GNU General Public License
   as published by the Free Software Foundation.

   This software is distributed in the hope that it will be
   useful, but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied
   You should have received a copy of the GNU General Public
   License along with this software. If not, write to the Free
   Software Foundation, Inc., 59 Temple Place - Suite 330,
   Boston, MA 02111-1307, USA.
   See the GPL in the COPYING.GPL file for more details.
   Author: Jacob Hansel (jacob.hansel@gmail.com)
   Description: Parses Jacob's Chatter into framable HTML.

<title>Jacob's Chatter Feed</title>
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.haloscan.com/load.php?user=jacobschatter"> </script>

require 'rss_fetch.inc';

$rss = fetch_rss('http://jacobschatter.blogspot.com/atom.xml');

$rss->items as $item)
$title = $item['title'];
$url = $item['link'];
$issued = $item['issued'];
$date = strftime('%A, %B %d, %Y', strtotime(substr($issued, 0, 10)));
$time = substr($issued, 11, 5);
$content = $item['content']['encoded'];
$id = $item['id'];
$id = substr($id, strpos($id, 'post-') + 5);

<p>[<a href="<?=$url?>">jacob@<?=$time?></a>]:~$ <a href="javascript:HaloScan('<?=$id?>');" target="_self"><script type="text/javascript">postCount('<?=$id?>'); </script></a></p>

<?php } ?>


Thursday, April 29, 2004

in a moment...
nothing on the reflection exists
a lowly young offender
is dealt instant ownage today

Wednesday, April 28, 2004
  Think Different (Pricing Structure)

You must forgive my absence, for I have been wrapped up in my studies as of late. It is becoming abundantly clear to me that there are not enough hours in a day to juggle my studies, research, and devotion to what I hold closest to my heart; Open source and Linux (Gentoo in particular). None-the-less, I chose to carry this burden and I shall not veer from my course. It goes without saying that Jacob (me) is a man of honour and integrity.

Anyhoo, I managed to sneak back into the crApple store yesterday. I recently shaved my head for an upcoming operation so I do not think that they recognized me (that's "operation" as in "Operation Condor" not "brain operation", although I would wager the opposition hopes and prays I would suffer a from brain tumor). Three words; colour me unimpressed. They wanted $2,000 for, get this, a 1.33Ghz notebook. 1.33Ghz? Even crappy Dell has 2.40Ghz notebooks for $800. I began to wonder if somehow I had wandered too far north and was looking at Canadian prices. It really amazes me that people will pay a $1,200 overhead just to be a trendy lemming. They even had a little sliver 12" notebook for $1,600. I can't imagine what kind of clueless lemming would part with that obscene amount of money when they could get two 14" crappy Dells for that price.

I started playing around with one of those crappy iCraps that look like a flowerpot. I managed to find the "terminal" application so I could play around with OS X's coveted "Unix underpinnings." Get this:

Apple Store 123:~$ gcc
-bash: gcc: command not found

Apple Store 123:~$ cc
-bash: cc: command not found

HA! Unix without a C compiler is like a fish without gills. It's like a MCSE without a stupid look on his face. I was preparing toss down a few dozen lines of code, alas my hopes were dashed.

As I was leaving the store I saw a gentleman who irked me. He was one of those "think different" lemmings with thick black glasses and an iPod. I was about to flip him the bird but then suddenly, I felt sorry for him. It was a strange epiphany for me, I felt bad for Apple users rather than wanting to bash them like the proverbial fish in a barrel. Not to worry loyal followers. To rid my mind of that repulsive line of thinking I made an effort to visit #Apple last night and give them a dose of the old Jacobnator. It goes without saying that after I was booted I promptly started #crApple. It also goes without saying that "the gang" joined me in Apple-bashing heaven.

Well I am off to boot my 1.74Ghz AMD machine. Total cost of the CPU? $50. That's $300 in Apple-land. I leave you, if I may, with Jacob's (soon to be) patented Apple currency converter:

Dell Price:
Apple Price:  

Saturday, April 24, 2004
  You Have Failed, Sirs

As I was going about my monitoring of the opposition this fine morning, I noticed that a member of the anti-Jacob Gestapo posted an attempt to discredit me on the beloved Gentoo discussion forums (GDF).

What I found amusing is that said person was promptly repremanded and "owned" by my fellow Gentoo brethren.

Then, even funnier, an, as we say at the GDF, "noob" tried to start another anti-Jacob thread, not realizing his fellow anti-Jacobite had made a meager (at best) attempt only one day prior. It goes without saying that Gestapo #1 was handed a similar "owning" by the GDF community.

As I previously mentioned, I frequent the GDF quite often, albeit not under the name "Jacob". I suspect you are asking yourself, "But, where was 'Jacob' during this debacle? Surely he would emerge (no pun intended) to defend himself!" To that I would respond, "That is where you are wrong, sir." This was undoubtedly a meager attempt to "flush me out" on the GDF in order to reveal my non de plume. I say "meager" because it will take getting up a lot earlier to catch this worm. I am far too clever to fall for such amateur tactics. I will have you know that Jacob (me) has been practicing what I refer to as "covert ops" for some time now. The motto in my high school hacker gang, the "Cereal Killerz" was "OpSec, always" meaning literally; "OPeration SECurity, always."

Ah, I recall like it was yesterday the time "Muselix", "0xC0C0 PuFF", and I ("RaZeN BraN") took over the drive-through RF at our local Taco Bell. Each time someone attempted to place an order, Muselix let out a loud belch over the intercom. Later that evening we were pulled over by the police and questioned, yet none of the team broke OpSec, thus the reason we are all not in federal prison today. This, of course, was long before I turned to the proverbial "light side", white hat hacking and all. If asked today why a white hat hacker such as myself pulled such a malicious prank, I would have to chalk it up to being a misguided youth who fell under the peer pressure.

Anyhoo, I have digressed from the topic at hand. To the opposition; your attempts did not and shall not work. Let this be a lesson to you. All true Gentoo users share a common bond that cannot be broken by a simple "troll" on our message boards. It is a shame it took a verbal lashing from the GDC for you to learn that lesson. I would have expected a better attempt but alas, perhaps my standards are set too high.

Jacob out.

Free as in beer and speech.

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