Jacob's Chatter
Thursday, April 29, 2004

in a moment...
nothing on the reflection exists
a lowly young offender
is dealt instant ownage today

Wednesday, April 28, 2004
  Think Different (Pricing Structure)

You must forgive my absence, for I have been wrapped up in my studies as of late. It is becoming abundantly clear to me that there are not enough hours in a day to juggle my studies, research, and devotion to what I hold closest to my heart; Open source and Linux (Gentoo in particular). None-the-less, I chose to carry this burden and I shall not veer from my course. It goes without saying that Jacob (me) is a man of honour and integrity.

Anyhoo, I managed to sneak back into the crApple store yesterday. I recently shaved my head for an upcoming operation so I do not think that they recognized me (that's "operation" as in "Operation Condor" not "brain operation", although I would wager the opposition hopes and prays I would suffer a from brain tumor). Three words; colour me unimpressed. They wanted $2,000 for, get this, a 1.33Ghz notebook. 1.33Ghz? Even crappy Dell has 2.40Ghz notebooks for $800. I began to wonder if somehow I had wandered too far north and was looking at Canadian prices. It really amazes me that people will pay a $1,200 overhead just to be a trendy lemming. They even had a little sliver 12" notebook for $1,600. I can't imagine what kind of clueless lemming would part with that obscene amount of money when they could get two 14" crappy Dells for that price.

I started playing around with one of those crappy iCraps that look like a flowerpot. I managed to find the "terminal" application so I could play around with OS X's coveted "Unix underpinnings." Get this:

Apple Store 123:~$ gcc
-bash: gcc: command not found

Apple Store 123:~$ cc
-bash: cc: command not found

HA! Unix without a C compiler is like a fish without gills. It's like a MCSE without a stupid look on his face. I was preparing toss down a few dozen lines of code, alas my hopes were dashed.

As I was leaving the store I saw a gentleman who irked me. He was one of those "think different" lemmings with thick black glasses and an iPod. I was about to flip him the bird but then suddenly, I felt sorry for him. It was a strange epiphany for me, I felt bad for Apple users rather than wanting to bash them like the proverbial fish in a barrel. Not to worry loyal followers. To rid my mind of that repulsive line of thinking I made an effort to visit #Apple last night and give them a dose of the old Jacobnator. It goes without saying that after I was booted I promptly started #crApple. It also goes without saying that "the gang" joined me in Apple-bashing heaven.

Well I am off to boot my 1.74Ghz AMD machine. Total cost of the CPU? $50. That's $300 in Apple-land. I leave you, if I may, with Jacob's (soon to be) patented Apple currency converter:

Dell Price:
Apple Price:  

Saturday, April 24, 2004
  You Have Failed, Sirs

As I was going about my monitoring of the opposition this fine morning, I noticed that a member of the anti-Jacob Gestapo posted an attempt to discredit me on the beloved Gentoo discussion forums (GDF).

What I found amusing is that said person was promptly repremanded and "owned" by my fellow Gentoo brethren.

Then, even funnier, an, as we say at the GDF, "noob" tried to start another anti-Jacob thread, not realizing his fellow anti-Jacobite had made a meager (at best) attempt only one day prior. It goes without saying that Gestapo #1 was handed a similar "owning" by the GDF community.

As I previously mentioned, I frequent the GDF quite often, albeit not under the name "Jacob". I suspect you are asking yourself, "But, where was 'Jacob' during this debacle? Surely he would emerge (no pun intended) to defend himself!" To that I would respond, "That is where you are wrong, sir." This was undoubtedly a meager attempt to "flush me out" on the GDF in order to reveal my non de plume. I say "meager" because it will take getting up a lot earlier to catch this worm. I am far too clever to fall for such amateur tactics. I will have you know that Jacob (me) has been practicing what I refer to as "covert ops" for some time now. The motto in my high school hacker gang, the "Cereal Killerz" was "OpSec, always" meaning literally; "OPeration SECurity, always."

Ah, I recall like it was yesterday the time "Muselix", "0xC0C0 PuFF", and I ("RaZeN BraN") took over the drive-through RF at our local Taco Bell. Each time someone attempted to place an order, Muselix let out a loud belch over the intercom. Later that evening we were pulled over by the police and questioned, yet none of the team broke OpSec, thus the reason we are all not in federal prison today. This, of course, was long before I turned to the proverbial "light side", white hat hacking and all. If asked today why a white hat hacker such as myself pulled such a malicious prank, I would have to chalk it up to being a misguided youth who fell under the peer pressure.

Anyhoo, I have digressed from the topic at hand. To the opposition; your attempts did not and shall not work. Let this be a lesson to you. All true Gentoo users share a common bond that cannot be broken by a simple "troll" on our message boards. It is a shame it took a verbal lashing from the GDC for you to learn that lesson. I would have expected a better attempt but alas, perhaps my standards are set too high.

Jacob out.

Thursday, April 22, 2004
  Into the Lair of the Rats

Checking my server logs as I do often, I noticed a fair amount of traffic coming to my web page from Ars-Technica. I have dealt with people from that web site on more than one occasion, most of which were members of the opposition. To tell the truth (or as they say where I hail from, TTT) I have "lurked" on the Ars "Battle Front" for some time now. Why may you ask? Just as M$ sends its legions of drones out to scour the internet for information on the competition, I do the same, albeit it for the benefit of Linux (Gentoo in particular).

My observations of the "Battle Front" have been disturbing to say the least. What I offer to you, good readers, is an example of the type of behaviour exhibited at the forum in question.

TuxFan: I read that Linux is better suited for running Apache than Windows. What do you guys think?

EchoTail2: You are a liar. I have these benchmarks from M$ that say otherwise. Besides, IIS runs in the kernel and destroys Apache. I have M$ benchmarks that prove that as well.

TuxFan: Ok, sorry but I was not talking about IIS, I was talking about Apache.

PeterC: Non sequitur, ad hominem, not to mention, quod erat demonstrandum. You are banned.

Here is another situation I often see.

TuxFan: M$ announced 300 known security holes in Windows XP today. What do you think?

pdryier: So what? I see over 20,000 security holes in Redhat this month alone. That's less than 1% of the Windoze holes.

TuxFan: True, but Redhat includes a ton of apps, not just a base OS like Windoze.


It is not all bad. I have noticed this trend, which is rather amusing, even to a Linux supporter like myself.

Adventure: Apple lost 20-million this quarter alone, har har har. The G5 lost the BOGOSPEC2K4 benchmark by 20 bogomips compared to the quad Xeon 3.2Ghz, har har har.

EugSkanker: Lighten up man. We don't want a war, we just want to "think different" man. Steve Jobs is cool. Let's smoke a peace pipe and be friends.

csh666: Har har har. Apple is dead. Har har har.

TuxFan: Yeah, har har, Apple is dead.

Hamlet: Yeah, har har, Apple is dead.

I entertained the thought of joining "The Battlefront" but in the end I felt my time is better spent amongst my confidants at the excellent Gentoo forums. It goes without saying that I don a non de plume on said forums, so unless you know me personally, I advise you not to waste your time looking for me.

Jacob out.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004
  Like the Phoenix I Shall Rise Again

Now that the proverbial smoke has cleared, as they say, it is time to get back to business. Open source, Linux, and the Gentoo distribution. Where I hail from there is a saying, "Mess with the bull, you get the horns." It goes without saying that this bovine has "cleared house" and has risen from the ashes unscathed.

Monday, April 19, 2004
  Target: Jacob

This post has been removed for reasons beyond the control of the staff at www.jacobschatter.com. We apologize for the inconvenience. ^12-17-2F-37-40-44-68^

Saturday, April 17, 2004
  The Official Jacob's Chatter FAQ v1.01 beta

As I have more and more people (both followers and members of the opposition) coming to my web page each day I have decided to answer all of their frequently asked questions once and for all in the format I know best; the FAQ.

1.00: Who are you? Where do you live? How old are you? Where did you attend college? Where do you work?

My name is (surprisingly) Jacob. My last name is not important to what goes on here. As of today I am 2.73567196 * (PI ^ 2) years old (assuming an eight decimal resolution of PI). I live in the outskirts of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I attended college in the Milwaukee area and achieved a Bachelors of Science in Computer Science. My minor was in mathematics. I am gainfully employed, but my occupation, like my last name, is not important here. Let us just say I work in the Information Technology industry.

1.10: Are you a Linux zealot?

No. I am not a zealot by any stretch of the word. I am a vocal advocate of Linux (Gentoo in particular). The term "zealot" has negative associations that I am not comfortable with.

1.20: Do you hate Windows? Microsoft? Why?

*sigh* Hate is a strong word. I strongly dislike Microsoft because of their commercialization and bastardization of the art of hacking. Once upon a time computer science was a mystical art only practiced by the well-initiated. M$ (Microsoft) came alone and watered it all down with crapola like "Visual Basic" and "Windoze". Now any monkey who can click a mouse button thinks that he is a system administrator. That my friends, is why we have MAJOR security holes in Windoze. That my friends is why there is a MAJOR Windoze virus outbreak at least once a week. It is my opinion that we need desperately to go back to the era when REAL MEN were behind REAL MACHINES. The growing popularity of Linux will certainly be the remedy our beloved industry needs. The day of reckoning approacheth.

1.30: Do you hate Apple? Why? What does crApple mean?

I do not dislike Apple -- I only laugh at them. Overpriced, underpowered computers that are just fancy plastic cases for lemmings to burn their hard-earned dinero on. The iPod is a joke. People pay $500 just to walk around with white headphones and think they are "cool" when indeed they are the ones who are not cool. Apple plays second fiddle to Linux these days because Linux GETS THE JOB DONE. It does not act pretty and steal your wallet at the same time much like some vixen in a Las Vegas casino. The word "crApple" is the clever juxtaposition of the words "crap" and "Apple". I would love to take credit for that one but alas, it was not I who coined the term.

1.40: Do you hate Redhat? BSD? SCO?

Redhat is the M$ of Linux. They surely will die in part because of their lust for the almighty dollar. BSD is okay I suppose, but I would rather run Linux because only 10% of the good *nix apps get ported to BSD. If M$ is the devil, SCO is the festering boil on the devil's posterior membrane. That is all I can stomach to say on the that subject without retching.

1.50: What OSS apps have you written?

I feel it is best to separate my position as a Linux advocate from my position as an OSS programmer. Try as you might good people, I shall not reveal that information in this forum.

1.60: What is LOO-Lu?

LOO-Lu (Less Object-Oriented LangUage) is my homebrew programming language. It is "less object-oriented" in that it does not have all the superfluous crapola that plagues C++ and Java. Think of it as C++ minus the crapola. That's right, it's C plus some object-oriented behavior.

1.70: LOO-Lu sounds great, can I see the specs? Can I have the code?

All details of LOO-Lu will be released when it's done. I am hoping for a late summer release but do not hold me to it. Writing a language is no easy task, even for a programming god like myself.

1.80 If you are such a great hacker, why don't you host this web page from your home?

A) My anonymity is important to me. B) See A.

1.90: What do you do when you are not hacking?

My hobbies include dumpster diving, Warhammer, Magic: The Gathering, Quiz the Luddite, poetry, reading sci-fi, sleeping, and most of all; PizzMoDew (pizza & Mountain Dew).

I shall continue this FAQ later. I grow tired of typing, not to mention I have more pressing business to attend to at the moment.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004
  M$ Death Watch for 2004-04-14

I would like to introduce, if I may, a new column here at Jacob's Chatter entitled "M$ Death Watch". It is my prediction that within five years the 800-pound gorilla referred to as Microsoft (or as I like to say M$) will be rendered irrelevant by none other that the excellent Linux kernel and it's accompanying distributions (Gentoo in particular).

So without further ado, let us count todays nails in Microsoft's coffin:

Microsoft Releases FIVE Security Patches. Oh my. The three Swiss cheese sandwiches I consumed for lunch today combined did not contain as many holes as Windoze XP. This is what you get when you hire developers based on standardized testing scores. Next month I expect double the number of patches being that M$ has already admitted there are dozens more holes lurking in the disgusting innards of Windoze.

South Korea Will Sue M$ Next. It seems they are upset because their piece of crap IM client cannot compete with Microsoft's piece of crap IM client. M$ is already all but dead in Asia anyway. My guess is Asia will go first, then Europe, then the US. If I were a software developer in Redmond I would think now is a good time to cash in my stock options.

Today is the 10-year anniversary of M$ winding down the road of anti-trust. They used to be a company that made a crappy clone of the Unix CLI that for some reason sold well. Then they tried to make a GUI OS and got destroyed by crappy Apple. They were forced to use their DOS monopoly power to push Windoze, the rest is history (as is M$ soon enough).

M$ loses 440 million dollars. They undoubtedly thought they could steal ideas from a smaller company, which is their MO. This time they were caught. Imagine what a $440M infusion could do for Linux?

Last but not least MySQL prepares to decimate SQLServer. Game over already. There is no (legal) way on Earth M$ can compete with MySQL. Why SQLServer has not be discontinued yet is beyond me, with even crappy Oracle trouncing on in it every market on Earth. I will have you know that I run MySQL on no less than six of the machines in my arsenal. How is that for an endorsement?

That's all for today, good people. I hope you have enjoyed the column. I am aiming to make it a weekly feature.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004
  LOO-Lu, Where are You?

It's been a while since I have mentioned my programming language; LOO-Lu (Less Object-Oriented LangUage). Fret not loyal readers, it is still under heavy development. Last I reported I had the basic compiler working, however I found the syntax to be a tad rigid in my attempt to make it "feel" different from the C programming language. I have since come to the conclusion that was a bad idea. I have thrown in the proverbial towel and went with C-style curly braces for scope enclosures. The over-use angle brackets was confusing the compiler, in turn slowing compiles down drastically.

I have come up with a technology I refer to as Loolets. Loolets are distributed chunks of code that attach to remote machines (provided the LooListener is running there) and execute. Unlike crap like Java and .NET, Loolets are native code, meaning the remote machine needs to be the same operating system and architecture as the local machine. My attempt was NOT to make a "do-it-all" technology which runs miserably slow, but to make a "lean and mean" distributed architecture. It goes without saying I have succeeded in both the "lean" and "mean" departments.

What follows is an example of the mandatory "Hello World" application as a Loolet.

define foo from loolet
    override void execute(void)
        write("Hello World!");

    alloc foo as loo;


    destroy loo;

There is still a mountain of work to be done but the good news is I will be submitting the source to SourceForge some time this summer if my estimates hold up. This of course goes against what CERTAIN nay-sayers have been claiming about me for months. The day of reckoning is coming, gentlemen. Prepare to eat crow.

Sunday, April 11, 2004
  Happy Easter to All

One of the deviants who frequents my feedback had the nerve to say today, "Jesus likes Microsoft." While this is true because I am told that Jesus like everyone, I will have him know that the concept of Jesus is more like Linux than it is like Windoze. I offer the following proof to that assertion.

While I am certain this comparison will cause me to catch grief from the crazies who endlessly attempt to discredit it me, even the hardest anti-Jacob militant will have to admit the parallels are uncanny.

With that out of the way I am off to feast on a bag of Brach's Classic Jelly Bird Eggs in celebration of Easter Sunday. Jacob out.

Friday, April 09, 2004
  It's Times Like These...

...that I am glad I am not a MCSE (or the likes). It seems there is a horrible new Windoze exploit in the wild that, get this, affects their help system. Come on, the help system? It is you who needs help, good sirs. Help coding an operating system NOT riddled with security holes. The good bad news is that it has no patch available. This makes Code Red and MS-Blast look like a minor nuisance compared to the impending wave of destruction that lurks in the shadows ahead.

It looks like the MCSE crowd will be working all weekend, waiting with baited breath for M$ to throw them the crumbs of a patch. Rest assured, I will be thinking of them whilst I play UT2K4 all weekend on my invulnerable Gentoo box.

Perhaps if Windoze were an open operating system those poor CHiMPs could code a patch on their own. Alas, it is NOT and they can NOT.

UPDATE: *sigh* Being the "white hat hacker" and humanitarian I am, I offer the following proverbial fig leaves to the Windoze camp:

Wednesday, April 07, 2004
  Dial Channel 9 for Lemming

It seems the M$ has launched its own "weblog" service called Channel 9 in a meager attempt to fool the public into thinking their developers are not money-hungry lemmings. I spent some time browsing the site last night and was quite amused at the rogues gallery I came across.

For instance, "ericli". This is someone who needs to post a picture of "Neo" from "The Matrix" to make him think he is cool. I would wager he practices kung-foo moves in the mirror at night and takes red and blue pills at random in an attempt to meet "Morpheus". You are not Keanu Reeves, sir. You most likely resemble Bill Gate$ more than "Neo". This is a fact that you must accept.

Then there is "chrisburgess" and "wwwcoder" who have a pictures of a monkeys in their profiles. Quite fitting because I dub M$ followers "CHiMPs" (Crappy Hacks in Microsoft's Possession). You sirs, are indeed CHiMPs. If I had enough gasoline I would drive to Redmond to feed you peanuts in a gesture of good will from the Linux community. For now I hope you are satisfied jumping up and down as Steve Ballmer (Uncle Fester) grinds his organ.

How about "gmiley" and "Frankie Fresh" who think they are gangster rappers of some sort. I find that funny because if they tried to walk the streets of Milwaukee late at night (as I often do whilst dumpster diving) they would have their proverbial lily hides tanned and shipped back to Redmond. Even the ruffian gangsters at my local mall would not think twice about "taking them out" because they are just lemmings, not the rappers they think they are.

The rest of the lot have fake pictures, cartoons, etc. I take it the ones with the greasy-lemming pictures are authentic. This one lemming had the audacity to use Tux in his profile. I wager this is a sign that M$ is preparing to pilfer our beloved penguin for their evil doings.

After a while I grew tired of browsing that crappy site and had to return here to be amongst my loyal followers and paid shills. One must wonder if the paid shills who harass me on a daily basis have profiles on Channel 9? Rest assured if you do I will find and expose you. This I promise you, dear sirs.

Today I am on a secret project and must prepare my arsenal. Jacob out.

Sunday, April 04, 2004
  The Sun Sets on Redmond

I for one am laughing out loud (LOL) at the fact the M$ has to pay Sun two-billion dollars. It is funny because they both are equal crapola in my book and even two-billion dollars cannot save Sun. Everyday Linux pulls the rug out from under Sun and M$. Them fighting with each other is like putting two stupid pit bulls in a fish tank with a shark (the shark is Linux you see and will ultimately EAT both of them).

Microsoft could have used that two-billion dollars to do some REAL security research. Alas, it looks like Windoze is destined to suffer another 10-years of security holes and memory leaks. By time they get around to fixing things, it will be too late, Linux will be the dominant player and Windoze and the sack of DRM crapola called Palladium will sink to the bottom of the fish tank with Sun.

To celebrate I am off to re-compile 2.6.5. It seems my latest batch of optimizations were too aggressive. Laugh if you must, but I would rather have the option to compile my kernel and crash the OS than not have the option at all.

Friday, April 02, 2004
  Undoubtedly You Have Been Fooled

I must apologize to those of you who fell victim to my ultimate prank yesterday. It goes without saying that I am NOT an Apple cultist lemming now. In fact, it would take a pretty hard rap to the head for that to happen. Fear not my loyal readers, just to rid myself of the icky feeling I saw an iPod wearing lemming at the mall last night and I flipped her the bird. Jacob is back, in spades, good people.

Now it's back to the never-ending business of Linux and Open Source (Gentoo in particular).

Thursday, April 01, 2004
  Jacob the Switcher

Well yesterday I went into the Apple Store to stir up trouble with the idiot staff as I do from time to time. Fortunately, the Apple Whipping Boy Lemming (AWBL) who kicked me out was not on duty. Unfortunately all of the other AWBLs were busy helping customers, so there was nobody to play my ultimate prank on. So, to bide my time I decided to play with a G5 tower.

Then it happened…

I must now admit to you this one fact good people. All of this time I have been wrong, horribly wrong. While in the past I have evangelized Linux on this web page, it is time for me to say that OS X is without a doubt, the BEST operating system ever made. All it took was one use of the terminal application and the execution of a simple "ls" command to change my mind. I could not believe my eyes. There, right in front of me was the greatest Unix-based operating system I had ever laid my hands on and worst of all, I have been ignorant as to its power all of this time.

After playing with the terminal for the better part of a half and hour I turned to Safari, the Apple browser. While I love FireFox, this "Safari" browser beats it in every way imaginable. The sleek brushed-metal look blends nicely with the subtle pinstripes of the UI. Web pages were rendering faster then I ever imagined they could. Fonts never looked more crisp and print-like. Minimizing Safari displayed a nice genie-like effect and the contents of the web page where thumb-nailed on the dock. Utterly breathtaking to say the least.

After Safari, I played with iTunes, iPhoto, iChat and even iCal. I was there so long they had to kick me out of the store. This time it was not for making them look like lemmings, it was because the store was closing!

I am sold. Today I am putting together all of my savings and purchasing a dual 2Ghz G5. Linux is a thing of the past as far as I am concerned. Apple (OS X in particular) is the future and it goes without saying that the future never looked brighter. If I have any money left over I might get an iPod as well.

Apple in, Jacob out.

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